You Can't Unsend That Email: Digital Missteps in Conflict—and How Mediation Heals the Fallout

In today's always-connected world, communication has never been faster—or more fraught. Emails are sent at midnight, text messages fly back and forth without tone or context, and arguments are conducted via group chat. As a lawyer and mediator, I've seen firsthand how digital communication, while convenient, can quietly escalate conflict. 

Clients often arrive at my office for a consultation, meeting, or mediation, with inboxes full of resentment in legal disputes and family negotiations. What began as a difference of opinion has morphed into something much deeper—a cycle of blame, defensiveness, and pain, all perpetuated by the digital tools we use every day.  

Let me share one story that brought this all into sharp focus for me. 

Two people, both widowed, had been living together in a modest home they jointly owned. They had become companions in later life, helping each other manage grief, loneliness, and aging. But when their health began to decline, the question of how to care for them became urgent. That's when their respective adult children became involved.  

The children, representing two families brought together by circumstance rather than DNA or shared childhoods, had very different ideas about what should happen next. The house needed repairs, the finances were tangled, and, most importantly, their parents needed more support than they were currently getting.  

Instead of sitting down to talk, the kids started emailing, texting, and sending messages "reply all." Accusations flew: one side claimed the other was neglectful; the other shot back with receipts. There was talk of court action. Screenshots were saved. Lawyers were copied. Trust eroded almost completely.  

By the time they arrived in my office to mediate a resolution of the challenges, they weren't speaking. But their parents were still living together, growing increasingly frail, and the house—their one shared asset—was falling into disrepair. Something had to give.  

In mediation, the first thing we did was to slow down!  

We talked, and we listened.  We explored what wasn't said in those texts and emails—the worry, the fear, the sadness. We imagined potential resolutions that would not increase anxiety and would expand opportunities.  

Eventually, both families agreed to sell the home and use the proceeds to find better care for their parents. The process wasn't perfect, but it was human. It was filled with listening. And it never would have happened if we had stayed trapped in the inbox.  

A situation like this is not unique. Every day, I meet people caught in the tension between their feelings and what they typed in haste. Digital communication gives us the illusion of control but often robs us of understanding. It flattens complex emotions into black-and-white statements. It invites us to respond, not reflect.  

From a legal perspective, it's also dangerous. Emails and texts are admissible evidence. I've seen seemingly minor missteps turn into enormous liabilities. That late-night email may one day be Exhibit A.  

But more than that, these messages damage relationships in ways the law can't repair.  

While an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, mediation often provides ways to repair the damage to relationships caused by digital messages that should never have been sent. As a mediator, I create space for people to hear each other without the limitations of an electronic screen. We work to find language that bridges gaps, not widens them. We focus on communicating with dignity and clarity, especially when emotions run high.  

But back to that ounce of prevention--In middle school, we often wrote notes to classmates on loose-leaf white paper with blue lines and three holes punched in the margin.  I remember on teacher cautioning us—don't send it unless you are willing to say this to the person's face.  Don't send a note if you are unwilling to have the teacher read the note out loud to the class.  

The same goes for our texts and emails today--If you find yourself in a conflict—whether with family, a co-worker, or a business partner—pause before you hit send. Ask yourself: Would I say this to the person's face? Would I want this read aloud in a courtroom? Is there a better way to communicate my concern?  

And if you need to communicate something but can't imagine how that might work in person, consider mediation. It's not a sign of defeat—it's a decisive step toward resolution.  If the inflammatory digital messages have already been exchanged--it's not too late! Consider mediation--it may provide the best opportunity to open a productive dialogue that may solve some of the problems giving rise to the conflict.